Fears We Don't Face Become Limits

Participating in the Children’s Global Alliance Organization has helped teach me how important work ethic is. Not only do we have to work hard in the developing countries, we have to practice working before we leave home. I am so grateful for this lesson because it has helped me in many other aspects of my life. It has helped be to be successful in school. Working hard has improved my skill level in all of my sports. I know that if I can learn and apply a foreign language, then any math equation can be absorbed and used as long as I work at it. I have seen that if I want to create a perfect lesson plan to teach children a specific task, then I can do it. If I can make a plan to teach others a skill, I can make a plan for myself to learn any skill I want.

I am so excited as these last pushes of initial hard work are coming to end because it means the trip is approaching fast. Now I am focused on raising a couple hundred dollars, creating one more lesson plan, and practicing Swahili. I think Africa will be a great opportunity to learn more about the way other people view the world.

My main goal for the trip will be absorbing other people’s perspectives on life. While I was in Cambodia, the thing that was forever implanted in my mind and in my heart was that happiness is always a choice. The constant smiles on my friends’ faces reminded me that no matter what you’re going through, you can always choose to look on the bright side and find what makes you joyful. I think the children and teachers will have a lot to show me about their mindsets. I am truly thrilled to alter my attitude towards the world even further.

I want to make a difference with my efforts in Tanzania. I hope that every child I teach will remember and make use of the lessons I have planned for them. I'll strive to help children learn things in the classroom that will open up more careers so they can improve their life in the future. This comes from my desire to make change. I am not entirely sure where my desire comes from or why it is so strong. All I know is that I am determined to help others succeed. I am afraid that I won’t be as helpful as I potentially could be in Africa. I am terrified that one of my lessons won’t get through to the children the way I am hoping it will. This scares me because it would mean that I am not teaching as well as I could be. I want to give all I have to the children, so holding back even the littlest bit would be so disappointing to me.  Although my fear does make me more nervous about going, I think ultimately it will be beneficial. It will help me strive to do my best all the time and work towards perfection.

One of my goals for the trip is also to create bonds with all of the people I encounter in Africa. I am hoping to spread love and happiness to the deserving people we meet. I have learned that a very effective way to become close to another person is to make yourself utterly vulnerable. Opening up to the children and staff about my fears could help me create a strong and impactful bond.

Wapenzi jarida- Dear Journal

Wapenzi jarida,

I’m not really sure what I am supposed to say about him. I cannot even attempt to capture his character into words. He is so hard working- or I suppose I should say was. He was so hard working. Every morning when I woke up at sunrise to pray he would be heading out the door. I can not recall a single morning where my father did not hug me goodbye. He is the person I strive to be like everyday. He has showed me how life is supposed to be lived. It is supposed to be filled with laughter, love, hard work, and studies.  

Laughter

Not everyone saw the hilarious side of my father. When we went out in public he was a serious and respectful man. You could see how wise he was by simply watching the way he walked. Confident with his head held high, My Dad could have been perceived as humorless.  

Although this was not the case at all. In the evenings he would burst through the door sweating from work. I could always expect to see a grin spreading from ear to ear. Eager to hear about my day he would not stop asking questions. I would tell him all of my stories and he would laugh at all of the parts that were (supposed to be) funny. He would give advice about my problems. Most importantly, though, he would just listen to me talk about my life. Every night before bed he would make up these silly stories that put me to sleep laughing.

Love

I know that my father loved me. He would look at me with his huge brown eyes and smile. He never had to say it, but I knew. I knew that my Dad loved me and I do believe that he still does. He worked for me. Every single day he would walk 6 blocks to work in the kitchen at the U.S. Embassy. I have only seen him work once but it looks like a difficult job. When I asked what part of his job he liked best, he always told me he loved the feeling of working for others. Not only did he serve people in the kitchen, he also worked to provide for my mother and I. When he worked to help me, he made me feel appreciated and cared for.

Hard Work

As I have mentioned earlier, one of the most admirable characteristics about my Dad was the way he worked. He would never give up, whether it was fixing something at the house or maintaining a relationship with my mother- he persevered. He was born into a poor family but he worked hard at school and even took culinary classes. His work ethic was the primary reason he made it all the way to the U.S Embassy kitchen.

Studies

My Dad worked so hard in school. His parents were illiterate and he had to give up many of his meals so his parents could afford to send him to school. He loved reading. He he would read every word he saw and say it over and over until he was confident he had it memorized. He read everything from signs, books and maps, to menus and food labels. His reading ability put him far above all of his classmates in school. He got the opportunity to take several culinary classes at the University of Dodoma. He has encouraged me in my school work. He has read to me since I was very young. He also pushed me to learn English because he spoke it so well. He helped me develop an even greater appreciation for the school I have access to.

He was truly a beautiful soul. And now he is gone. August 7, 1998 that is the day he left me. I don’t know exactly how he died and I will never understand why. But he was working when the car bomb exploded and I will never get to say goodbye. But he is gone from my life and I must accept that. It is not fair and I don’t understand. Why does Al-Qaeda hate us so much? What did my father do? Why do I deserve this? It is not fair and will never stop trying to understand.

Now this is not me- not even close. Although, if I were a child living in Tanzania in the late 1990’s, it could be my story.  I was writing from the perspective of a 13 year-old girl who lost her father in the Al-Qaeda car bombing bombed at the U.S Embassy. The explosion killed 224 people and wounded over 5,000.  She spoke swahili and the opening line “Wapenzi jarida” translates into “Dear journal.” She was Islam; I attempted to allude to this when I wrote that she prayed at sunrise. She felt very fortunate to go to school and understood that being respectful was very important. These are parts of the story that are non-fiction and are found frequently throughout the country of Tanzania.

Although this girl I wrote about was a fictional character, I believe that some people in Tanzania have had experiences similar to the one I described. I think that some of the children I will be working with this summer will have gone through very rough times just like her. I know that the country we are traveling to is one of the poorest countries in terms of income per capita. I can infer that some children will be sacrificing meals, new clothing, and family savings in order to attend school. This is part of the reason I am so excited to be a part of their learning environment.

Last summer, I witnessed many amazing things in Cambodia. One of the most stunning things I observed was that all of the students were so excited about school; they were very eager to learn. I am looking forward to meeting more students who inspire me to be appreciative for my education. The children we worked with were so excited to participate in the classroom games and asked question to make sure they pronounced every word correctly. This makes teaching so enjoyable. I know that the things we show them will help them in many ways and could greatly impact their future. That knowledge is enough to make me want to teach. Although, when I see that the kids are interested about the information, it makes me more passionate about the subjects. I am confident that the children in Arusha will have the same attitude towards learning as the students in Cambodia did. I can not wait to stand in front of another classroom full of students who are prepared and thrilled to learn.

Fundraising is going very well. I have just finished raising 50% of the money required for this experience. I have worked dog walking, dog sitting, and babysitting in my spare time.  All of my work has been worth it already because it has helped me improve my time management and accountability. I am very excited for this trip and know that it will help me grow in many ways.

Smile

“Be the reason someone smiles today.”

I want to be the reason, and I want to make others happy. The easiest way to make someone else smile is to offer your smile first.

This year I am traveling to Tanzania to offer my smile. In Tanzania we will be teaching kids in the classroom and participating in home visits with the students. The children in Tanzania deserve smiles, hugs, kisses, education, comfort, and kindness. I want to go to Africa to give all I have to these children. I am going to open up my heart and my mind to everyone I encounter. On this trip my goal is to create bonds with the people we will be working with and to make a lasting impact on their lives. Although I am the one “teaching” these kids, after traveling to Cambodia, I now know that I will learn just as much from the kids as I can hope to teach them. In Cambodia I learned about love and happiness. I learned that joy is always possible and love can, and should be, shared with everyone all the time. I hope that in Tanzania I learn more about myself and more about life.

In my everyday life I am presented with millions of reasons to smile. Hockey. This sport never ceases to excite me. I love it so much because it’s a mental game that is fast, involved, physical, and team-oriented. My girls hockey team has played together for four years and we have become a family. It’s an amazing group of people who are all supportive, loving, accepting, and hard working. They inspire me to push myself and I am always willing to play for my teammates. This year, I am playing with a girls and a boys U14 Vail Mountaineer Hockey Club team. I also play soccer with Vail Valley Soccer Club and will play for Eagle Valley High School in the spring. Soccer is also a sport that I very much enjoy and am fortunate enough to play with my closest friends.For the past few years I have participated in a Devo snowboarding group. I enjoy being on the mountain with my friends in an active, uncompetitive, and beautiful environment.  

My family can be described by many words, but the one that sums them up the best is inspiring. I strive to be like my mom, dad, and older brother. My parents have shown me what good relationships look like. They are full of loyalty, forgiveness, kindness, sympathy, and most importantly unconditional love. I observe the way my parents treat others and I try to be as kind and friendly as they are. I also analyze the relationships they have with my brother and I. My parents are constantly trying to be close to us and it makes me feel loved and accepted. My brother, Zach, is two years older than me and has influenced me in many ways. He has paved the way in athletics. He plays hockey too and when I was younger I would go to all of his games and watch what he did on the ice. Then the next time I would play, I tried to imitate the things I had watched him do. Similarly I see what he does outside of school and sometimes follow his footsteps. I see how often he does things like work out or do homework and what kinds of results he gets, I can then get an idea of how long I should exercise or study for to reach my personal goals.

My family, passions, and previous trip to Cambodia are all a part of who I am. I am very excited for the opportunity to travel to Tanzania and hope to find myself more on this journey. Most importantly though, I want to be the reason for many smiles in Tanzania.

Courage

Courage. This is the skill I practiced most in Cambodia. It started before I even left the United States. I was scared. Scared to leave everything I have ever known. I thought I would miss my family and was nervous that I wouldn’t create strong bonds with the children. Being away from home forced me to reach out to the kids more and now I know I have a Cambodian family. Being afraid that I wouldn’t connect with the children seems so illogical now. Even if I tried I wouldn’t have been able to keep myself from giving or receiving such a natural love. Even though it took courage to leave home, I am so glad that I did and took this opportunity.

It took courage to reach out. At first I wasn’t sure what the kids would think of me if I randomly grabbed their hand and told them I loved them. I thought they might find it odd I would just be cleaning their room when they woke up from their mid day naps. Despite my fear, I still branched out. I told every kid at the orphanage that I loved them. I deloused and bathed them; I did their dishes and laundry. After doing a few of the things I was afraid to do, I found out that the kids were just appreciative and loving. They were thankful for all the labor we did. When I reached out and had a conversation with the kids, it improved my work. I had a discussion with Ravey and I learned so much about her. Knowing who she was, what she used to have, what she has now, and her likes and dislikes made me feel like I knew exactly what she wanted. If I kept in mind what she wanted while I worked I had motivation to work harder and do the work the way they would like. I also know that if I didn’t branch out I never would’ve created such great relationships with the kids. Facing my fear gave me the opportunity to love deeply.

Teaching took courage. Standing in front of a classroom full of students who don’t speak the same language as you is frightening. Knowing that I had to keep everyone’s attention and make sure everyone was engaged the entire lesson made me nervous. I also felt pressure because I knew that I had to teach the kids something and find a way to make sure they understood what I was trying to say. Even so, teaching felt so good. When I started teaching colors in level one, they did not know their colors. They could identify yellow but that’s it. After about thirty minutes of practicing they could point out red, yellow, blue, green, and white. This made me feel so accomplished and happy. I felt accomplished because I could see that I actually taught them something. They developed a new skill because of me. I was happy for them. They learned something they could actually use. In Cambodia if you speak English, you will have many more job opportunities. I was glad that I was helping set them on the right path for a good job, and a better future.

Finally, leaving took the most courage. I love these kids so much and that will never change. While I was hugging Heang he looked up into my eyes and said, “I love you forever.” Looking at his beautiful, brown teary eyes and trying to process his relatable words was overwhelming. It felt like my heart was being ripped from my chest, and was as if the lump in my throat were the size of a baseball. I just wanted to be able to stay at the orphanage and remind the kids that I loved them every single day. Saying goodbye was so hard because I felt so close to the kids and knowing that I would never see them again felt so wrong. People say if you love something, you should let it go. But I didn’t want to let go, I wanted to hold on forever. Leaving took strength and courage, but I love the kids so much that I will never let them out of my heart.

~If you can have courage you can have experiences~

Happiness and Love

When I decided that I wanted to come to Cambodia it was because I wanted to help. I had and still have a drive to make other people’s lives better. I thought that traveling to a developing country and working with less fortunate children would be a fun way to give. Although, before coming to Cambodia I was unaware that this experience would help me so much. I am helping the kids physically, while they are helping me physiologically. Witnessing everything in Cambodia has put my life into perspective. After seeing the way the kids live, I realized how lucky I am. I can see now that I am fortunate to have a washing machine and clothes dryer. I have taken my air-conditioned house and my soft carpets for granted all my life. Having a varied and large selection of food is not something that everyone has. Living in an area with a trash-free ground and clean air is truly a blessing. My living conditions are fantastic; I am so lucky and now so thankful. In the same way, I have learned that happiness is a choice. No matter how much bad, there is always good. My friend Ravey, who I had a translated conversation with, had a hard story to tell. About two years ago, her father died of high blood pressure so her mother had to start working. Workers in Thailand have higher incomes than workers in Cambodia. Ravey’s mom decided to move herself and her four children to Thailand. They didn’t have passports so they snuck across the border. One day while Ravey and her two older brothers were working, police showed up and discovered that she and her brothers were in the country illegally. Ravey and her brothers were imprisoned for one month. The prison was one big room with about 200 prisoners. According to Ravey they were fed small portions and some people died of malnutrition. After they were released in Cambodia, they snuck back into Thailand where their mom and younger brother awaited them. Ravey, her mother, and her two older brothers had been working for about a year when Ravey’s mother decided that the situation wasn’t working. She thought that Ravey and her younger brother should be in better hands and have access to education. They found a great home. CPO is nice because it gives the kids the chance to attend school. Ravey says that she and her brother are happy now because they have access to good education and are not hungry. After her mother dropped them off at the orphanage, she snuck across the border again to continue working with the older brothers. Ravey was so open about her inspiring story. She told it to me without holding anything back. This made me feel so close to her because in order to share such personal and harsh information you must have a strong relationship. She showed happiness is a choice. Despite all the hardships that girl has faced, she is still so joyful. She greets me every morning with a huge smile and I have never seen her frown. She comes up to me and shouts my name while pulling me into a bear hug. Ravey is so excited and happy all the time, it is truly inspiring. She has taught me that all of my problems are small. That with every challenge there is brightness. Something positive can come from every situation. Ravey was grateful for everything that had happened to her because it got her to a point in her life where she has the chance to go to school. I will take this lesson home with me and apply it in my everyday life. No matter how big my problem feels or how many times I think that bad test score ruined my life I will remember to focus on the bright side. If I want to be happy I can choose to be happy every day. The kids have helped me understand what love is. They have shown me that you don’t need to know someone for a very long time to know that your love is true. I have been shown that if you really love someone, that love should be unconditional. No matter how many mistakes these kids make I will always love them. I have realized that although we don’t speak the same language the children and I understand each other. We don’t need to tell one another we love each other because we already know. You don’t need to talk to someone for hours and hours to know how they feel. You can show your emotions through actions rather than words. They have shown me how real and pure love can be. It can happen so quickly and leave a lasting impact. I will always remember these children and keep them in my heart. I can only hope they will keep me in their hearts too. I have only known these kids for about two weeks, yet I have learned so much from them. I love them more than almost anyone else in the world.

Emotions

Why? Why do people have to live this way? Why aren’t we helping them? Why isn’t anyone else helping them? Why haven’t they picked up some of this trash? These are only a few of the questions I had while I was walking through Andong Village to the preschool. On the way to the preschool, there is trash and dirty water coating the entire ground. If you are not inside it is nearly impossible to take a step without standing on trash. The stench is very strong. People live in small wooden buildings, stuffing as many people as possible into their available space. I cannot imagine living this way, it made me wonder why these people weren’t being helped. I was confused how these living conditions were acceptable. It was very different from the way I have lived my whole life. Then I felt discouraged, it is not fair. No one should have to live like that especially not the people who offer warm smiles to strangers. It seemed so wrong and I even felt guilty because I live so comfortably with almost everything I have ever wanted. I was mad, not at myself, but at the situation because I couldn’t offer anything more than a bright smile and a welcoming wave to these beautiful people. I realized that being angry was illogical because it wasn’t going to make the situation any better. After taking a few moments to calm down I realized I felt sadness. The people living in discomfort and trash made me feel this unexplainable heaviness. It started with my heart. My heart dropped and it became hard to breathe. It then moved to the rest of my body. My limbs were heavy to the point where just taking a step became a struggle. That feeling of being helpless also made me unhappy. When we got to the preschool I felt the way I have felt the majority of this trip; happy. Every time I see the kids at the orphanage, school, or preschool I get a feeling of pure joy. I feel joy in a way I have never experienced before. The kids have eyes that sparkle with great intensity. When they see us arriving at the orphanage their faces light up and they smile wider than I thought possible. This fills me with excitement and happiness daily. Despite anything that might be going on the kids have chosen to live and be present. These kids are so happy and their moods are contagious. Every time I see their faces I can’t keep the smile from spreading ear to ear on my own face. The bonds we have created with the children are like nothing I have ever seen, or been a part of before. There’s this mutual feeling of unconditional love. It’s amazing to me because we are unable to carry out a full conversation, yet I know them all well and would take a bullet for every one of them. The love I share with them is in it’s most pure form and sharing it with them feels so natural. Not only do I feel love for them, I also feel love from them. The way their faces light up when they see us makes me feel so important and cared for. I am very thankful for their happiness. They have taught me that in every situation, no matter how rough, it is always possible to be joyful and share love.

Dancing in the Rain

Dance in the rain. This is what I have been shown how to do so far in Cambodia. First it was literal. While I was still doing manual labor in the heat and the kids were just chilling on the stage it started to rain. At first the rain was light, like a drizzle. Just seeing the rain and thinking about the temperature dropping made me  so happy. My team and I decided that to escape the heat we could  crawl from under the stage and stand in the rain for a few moments. The second I felt the cool drops I knew that a few moments just wouldn’t cut it, it seemed that the other student volunteers had come to the same conclusion. Then the rain got harder and soon everyone looked like they had just jumped out of a pool. The kids started to join us in the rain too. Among others there were games of soccer, volleyball, tag, and monkey in the middle. Just playing with the kids was so much fun and the rain made it even better. I started to think about this too.  Not only were the citizens in Cambodia literally dancing in the rain they were also figuratively dancing and have been for a long time.

It started in 1975 with the Khmer Rouge. When Pol Pot took over and killed 3 million Cambodians it was obvious the storm had come. Many of the 4 million people who weren’t killed are still among us. These people have  learned how to live with what happened to them and their country. I have seen and met survivors of the Khmer Rouge and they are not only surviving, but thriving. Even though the “rain” is present, they are dancing.  The Cambodians I have spent the most time with have proven they can do the same. These kids we’re working with do not have hygienic living conditions. At the orphanage, there is a kitchen, a bathroom for the kids, a bathroom for the adults, a stage, a small farm, and two one room dormitories. The one room buildings surprised me the most. I walked in and within a matter of seconds was significantly hotter than  I was when I was standing outside. The building was made of wood and scrap metal and inside there were several bunk beds and mosquito nets. On either side of the door there are wooden cubbies holding the kids clothes. The girls’ one room living space fits 18 people and the boys’ fits 10. This was crazy to me, as sometimes I feel like my room is small and I don’t have to share with 17 other people. Seeing this made me realize just how privileged I am. As you can tell the living conditions are not ideal yet the kids all seem so happy. They smile and play as if everything were beyond wonderful. This is life and this is all they know. Despite their imperfect conditions they are perfect children who inspire me to dance in the rain.

Almost time!

From learning Khmer, teaching small children to ski, and trying to document my feelings in a blog, getting to this point has been a journey in itself. The parts of this experience that were hard, I thought would be easier, in the same way some things I thought would be more difficult seemed simple. I thought that raising $2,200 would be so challenging. Even after planning out how I would get the money, the amount still seemed overwhelming. Although after a couple months of working, I realized that this goal was easily attainable. I actually learned that fundraising can be fun. Last winter, two 5 year olds from Texas came to Vail to ski.  I helped them on the bunny hill for a weekend and really enjoyed it. They were so fun and eager to learn something new. Similarly, when we got our language sheets I was like "oh no!" I looked at the sheet and didn't even know where to begin; the combinations of letters seemed so unnatural. After a little practice I understood that the memorization of the spellings was not too hard. I still have trouble pronouncing everything, so I think learning the language turned out to be a bit easier than expected, but no walk in the park. Finally what you’re reading; my blogs. Before this experience, I didn't even know what a blog was. I learned that we were expected to keep one and even write a few before the trip. I thought this part would be easy. I just have to follow a guideline like I do every day at school right? Wrong, they want me to write down my feelings. I am not very good at documenting my thoughts and feelings because I don't always understand exactly what I'm feeling. I know I'm nervous but I don't really know why. I know I'm excited but how do I explain that? I found out that putting my feeling into words is so hard. So the blogs turned out to be more difficult than expected. 

I think everyone fears the unknown. I mean how can you not? So yes, I am nervous about going to Cambodia. I am hoping to create strong bonds with the children while I'm there and my biggest fear is that I won't. I feel like in order to make an impact I need to be close to the kids, and if I don't get close to them I won't be able to help. In order to get over that fear, I think I just need to go and put myself out there. Offer everything I have to the kids and maybe they will do the same for me. 

My personal goals for the trip are to grow and change. I want to grow as a person. I am hoping that working with people who have lives so much different from mine will help me understand who I am and how I live. I think this will help me grow. I also know that the kids in Cambodia will know things about the world that I do not, and I think learning these things will help me develop character. In order to grow, I feel like I need to keep my heart and mind open. If I have an open heart and mind I can accept any situation as it comes and learn from it.  Most importantly I want to change. I want to impact the children I work with. I want to make their life better in any way that I can. My main goal is to leave everyone I meet a little bit happier. To achieve this expectation I think I need to give them all the love I have. I need to share everything I can and not hold anything back. I think this will allow me to change them