To be Remembered

To say goodbye to someone forever feels like the worst kind of loss. You lose their presence in your life, and with that is a loss of a piece of yourself. Whenever I say goodbye to the students I have spent weeks teaching, loving, and working for, I study their faces. I try to memorize each curve, the way their face softens and their eyes light up when they smile. I have to actively work to remember what they look like, because I know it will be impossible to forget the way they make me feel. Once we part, my heart feels heavy and my throat tight. As time progresses, though, the sadness I feel from the loss turns into gratefulness for the time we spent together. I even feel acceptance that our memories together will have to be enough to fill our hearts because we will no longer be able to make more.

I have experience coming to terms with the reality that I will never see the students I love. What I don’t have experience doing is seeing a face I had already accepted saying goodbye to. But on Wednesday when we arrived at LISHA School, I understood the relief and the joy that accompanies seeing the same smile a year later. Gagan was the first to approach me with his softened face. I had so many questions for him about his year, his family, his soccer, and his school work. But before I could ask any of my questions he asked me one: why did it take you so long?

I didn’t know what to say as the question made me react in many different ways. I was already overwhelmed with happiness that Gagan  was in front of me once again, that he was still in school and that the boys continued to crowd around him as if he was their leader, yet he remained uninterested and maybe even oblivious. But his question made me feel a bit of sadness as well. As if he had spent so much time missing the CGA team. The thought of upsetting him, even if it were by leaving, was one that hurt me. His words also left me questioning myself. Why did I take so long? Why do I only devote my time to students like Gagan once per year? Am I using every moment purposefully enough? How can I- but before I could finish my thoughts Gagan pushed my arm playfully and giggled like he knew he was getting to me. His familiar laugh put me at ease and reminded me of all the answering I wanted him to do.

This week I have had this wonderful opportunity of being remembered at LISHA School by students like Gagan who I could never forget. I have always hoped that my time teaching students is truly impactful after I’m gone. That hope was always enough to carry me through. But this is the first trip I’ve been shown that the students cherish our time together as much as I do, if that is possible. They remember my name and talk about the games we played in the classroom and juggling a soccer ball during lunch. The reality that they too remember the lessons and down time we spent together fills me with so much love and pride.

Sharing memories with these students has made LISHA School truly feel like home. These past few days I have felt more comfortable at the front of a classroom teaching about international human values than I have ever felt at the back of the class learning about much less complex ideas like fractions.  I’ve finally witnessed proof that these inspiring students appreciate my presence in their homes, and don’t forget the amazing moments we have spent together.

This realization has made me want to work harder. They remember the activities which accompany my lessons. This makes me feel as if those activities need to be even more fun, even more exciting with each day. I want every lesson to be an unforgettable one. Thank you LISHA School for making me more driven by remembering.